The internet is overrun by unnecessary rankings of all kinds, usually in an attempt to reveal the greatest, worst, and most overrated or underrated ephemera “of all time!” They’re easy lies to draw eyeballs, in order to make a quick buck. I’m an attention-starved wannabe writer, so I need to swallow my pride and join the crowd because I am no better than anyone else.
This week’s rankings are inspired by the ample Easter candy I’ve been munching all week. Necco Wafers are my favorite confection and I don’t care that they’re essentially flavored chalk. And now, after eating them and little else in recent days, it’s time to definitively order their quality.
8. Orange (Orange)
They’re terrible. If you mashed them up and poured the dust into a solution with viscosity somewhere between yogurt and milk, you would get the exact taste of my childhood’s most hated medicine. I don’t remember what it’s called, but the fact remains: Orange Necco Wafers taste like medicine.
7. Chocolate (Brown)
Also fairly maligned by my taste buds, the chocolate flavor does not mix well with the chalky qualities. If you’re going to eat chocolate, it needs to be at least somewhat chewy. But when your chocolate is itself crunchy — without, say, rice like in a Crunch bar — it doesn’t work.
6. Lemon (Yellow)
A huge improvement over the previous two entries, there is nothing wrong with the lemon flavored Neccos. They’re a little on the bland side, as the lemon flavoring is not particularly overpowering. But they’re pleasant and I don’t get frustrated when there are an inordinate number of them in a roll.
5. Licorice (Black)
A flavor that has fallen precipitously in my estimation since my childhood. It’s still good, but the amount of black licorice — and black licorice-flavored snacks — I’ve had in my life has numbed me to its finer points. Still tasty, but not the overwhelming deliciousness I remember from my younger days.
4. Clove (Purple)
One that has risen as I’ve aged, clove is tasty and always a pleasant palette cleanser after the lesser Neccos on the lower end of the list. This is probably not reflective of the truth, but the clove-flavored wafers are seemingly the rarest of the bunch, and they almost never appear twice in a row.
3. Lime (Green)
Now we’re talking. I get genuinely excited when I see a green pop up in the roll. They have a strange spicy kick to them at the beginning, but the aftertaste is smooth. As a bonus, they tend to appear packed together several in a row.
2. Cinnamon (White)
Much like the limes, the whites have the spice one would expect from cinnamon. They’re overpowering in the best way, especially when chewed after the gross ones.
1. Wintergreen (Pink)
I save the best for last. With every roll I get, I unravel the paper wrapping and pick out every pink wafer I see, then pile them together. Most other wafers disappear rapidly, but the pinks I savor. The aftertaste sticks around for a while, which is nice, too.