KISS: Walmart-Friendly? (Originally published August 17, 2009)


KISS have always been devious.  Gene Simmons’s tongue has pleasured 10 trillion women.  Paul Stanley’s chest hair makes even me weak in the knees.  Hell, their name is short for Knights In Satan’s Service.  But nothing could have prepared me for this travesty.  KISS have been sucked into the horrific vacuum of Walmart-exclusive CD releases.

I didn’t know what to think when I read this article.  KISS stands for fucking the police, fucking the system, fucking…  anything that moves.  They wear garish makeup that makes them look like demons and devilish cats and stuff.  None of these are the core values Walmart wishes to impart on its customers.  Walmart’s values are best left to the Wonder Bread-esque Eagles, the first band to release an album exclusively through the chain of stores.

KISS are not the Eagles, and that is what makes them awesome.  All their songs are about sex, innuendo, and libido.  They make me want to discover what my love gun can do and page Dr. Love on a regular basis.  If I were to buy their new disc at Walmart, I’d be afraid the subliminal messages would involve advertisements for fabric softener.  I’m not a big fan of this decision.  I’m going to boycott purchasing this album from Walmart.  I think you should, too.

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